Building a healthy relationship takes two
We, women, have a lot of expectations when it comes to men in general. After all, we are the ones who have grown up watching Richard Gere chasing his pretty woman up a fire staircase with scarlet roses in his mouth while battling an acute fear of heights, or Patrick Swayze smoothly grabbing the woman of his dream after she took a risky leap of faith.
And our hopes and dreams for the perfect partner are far from being simple. We expect them to be patient and kind but we are not against a bit of “bad guy vibe” from time to time. We want them to be a good father but remain edgy and fun. We demand compliments and romantic gestures whilst not being treated like 1950’s housewives because we are strong, independent women.
Then, when we settle for the man of our dreams, we are fine with having more realistic expectations but we still hope to be at the top of our partner’s list of priorities. This is all good but what are we ready to offer in return? Should we be ready to fight for their love and attention? Or instead, try to hide the most irritating traits of our personality to fit into the “good girlfriend”, “good wife”, “good partner” category?
The truth is that in any healthy relationship, we need to be prepared to compromise and take some responsibility for our partner’s happiness. So what should we really be willing to bring to the table?
“Baby, I am going to treat you so nice, you’re never want to let me go”- In the car, 1963 Roy Lichtenstein
Forget the stereotypes
We have been fed so much advice about how to behave in a relationship by self-help books, magazines, friends… It is tiring. And there are all the stereotypes that we want to avoid. No one wants to be a “doormat” or a “nag”.
The key is to find the right balance. Maybe the secret of a happy relationship resides in our ability to bring out our fun side without the constant need to please, being gentle and understanding whilst knowing the right time to be keep our partner in check. Finding the right balance also applies to our appearance. Surely, there is no need to dress to impress at all times but looking after ourselves is essential to keep our relationship happy.
Cool girl
Do you remember how much fun everything was when you and your partner first met? Smiling at each other like teenagers for hours? Talking all night, walking hand in hand everywhere and even cooking in turns? You were daring and fun, always ready for a new adventure. You loved being the “cool girl” who was up for impromptu drinks or a weekend away to soak up the sun. Nowadays, not so much. It is true that now you have kids and/or a strenuous jobs, it is virtually impossible to hop on a plane for a romantic weekend to Positano on a whim.
When we come across the “cool girl” in a TV programme, a movies, a novel or even in real life, we feel a little pinch in the stomach. We wish we could be her again. That said, there is a catch. It is because realistically, nobody can be the cool girl all the time in a long term relationship. The forever-cool-girl is bound to be pretending she is having a good time to please her man or having a great time without her man!
So, you should feel ok for not being the life of the party all the time but don’t take that as an excuse to make zero effort in the fun department. Maybe it’s time to let go a bit and bring back a bit of fun in your life!
Softly does it
Nobody wants to be a doormat. Fact. We would always feel sorry for the one who says yes to everything her partner wants (from his golf weekends with his mates to his preferences in the bedroom). That said, it is not a secret that men love kind and understanding women. Don’t get me wrong, they also like it when we bring out our feisty side but they truly love it when we show them support and understanding.
If you want to create (and maintain) a strong emotional connection with your partner, it is important to show that you can listen to him. I mean listen without interrupting. I am the first to admit that I sometimes forget to ask my husband how his day has been after spending the evening talking about all the mundane details of my day or my frustration towards anything and everything when I am having a bad time. So start listening!
Another way to be understanding is to show him support for his passions and interests that you don’t share (or even secretly loathe!). If he likes rugby or football, let him go and see a game with his friends or colleagues without moaning. If he decides to run a marathon when you are allergic to any form of running, try to be supportive and encourage him when training gets tough.
Keep your man in check
It may sound a bit controversial for some but it is sometimes right to put your man in check if he does something that he would not like you to do. It is fair and it shows you care. The bottom line is to avoid acting like a nasty nag. You know what I mean – the one who is always putting her man back to his place, finding excuses to go home early as soon as he is having a good time and moaning about everything he does or doesn’t do. This is an off-putting attitude which should be avoided at all times if possible.
Enough is enough
Things may become rather frustrating though when your partner tells you one evening that he would be home early but then, he goes AWOL. He finally comes back home in the early hours with the excuse that it was a work event and therefore, he was “working”. Yes, right. I think that in this case, it is ok to be mad at him and show him your frustration. Being feisty is totally acceptable! You can send him a curt message to inform him that access to the bedroom will be denied on his return and decide to ignore him the day after. No need to get overboard though – changing the locks or feeding his favourite shirt to the dog would be a bit borderline.
Tough love
Call it tough love but I think keeping your man in check is fair as long as it is the reason why you are doing so is because he has done something that you would not accept from each other. It is very personal to any relationship. Something that bothers you in your relationship may be ruled perfectly normal by another couple. Don’t judge or try to emulate other couples if they do things differently. Every couple has their own preferences and rules. Simply think about you and your partner and talk about it.
Look after yourself
Every celebrities will tell you that the reason why they stick to their rigid beauty routine is first and foremost for themselves. Mmmm, if that’s not a good example of a white lie… The truth is that you can do that for your man too and trust me, he will love it. It doesn’t mean squeezing into a ball gown with full make-up on every night.
It simply means looking after yourself. Look after your skin with a simple routine. Don’t skip your colour appointment. If you don’t have time for a manicure, keep your nails short and tidy (hands and feet please!). Perhaps a quick coat of transparent polish would not hurt too.
Invest in some decent lounge wear
Final but important point. Buy some decent loungewear. When we go home, we often feel the need of peeling off our day clothes to slip into something comfortable. Like this pair of these old, soft, baggy sweatpants that are so familiar and cosy… They remind us of the comfort blanket of our childhood. Well, these have to go.
Your partner may have not dared telling you yet. Maybe you are at the beginning of your relationship. So he is still completely blinded by the love hormones, or he is simply too kind. Believe me, these are a “tue-l’amour” as we say in French (whose literal but self-explanatory translation is “love killer”). It is time to invest in proper loungewear. Something elegant and comfortable which will make you feel lovely, sexy and super comfy all at the same time.
