One-sided friendship – Is it time to move on?

One-sided friendships can hurt

It only feels like yesterday when you were sitting on a bench with your then best friend sipping oat lattes, exchanging tips on how to get into the best nurseries in town, confiding about your lack of libido and cooing over your delicate newborns comfortably nested in their stylish pram.  There was not a day that went by without you two sharing the most trivial little things. “I can finally fit into my pre-baby jeans!” you would boast.  “I had the worst night…” she would cry after spending the night nursing a colicky baby.  “Can’t she ever shut up!” you would both moan about this annoying mum who could not stop talking about her home delivery.  It felt a bit like the way you were with your “BFF” back when you were 7 years old.

Friendships can change

Alas, life moves on.  Newborns become little independent beings.  Prams get packed away in the garage.  Priorities change.  You still see your best friend but slowly (almost imperceptibly), the blatant complicity you had then is fading away. No more lattes on the bench.  No more endless texting or gossiping.  No more time to waste.  And when your friend announces that she has decided to be the next Nathalie Massenet, things take a dramatic turn.  She is full steam ahead with her make-or-break-genius-enterprise.

At the beginning, you are supportive.  She wants to share everything with you and asks for your help on every single detail of her project but then, she meets new people who share the same interests and you slowly realise that she only calls or meets you to talk about her doubts, her fears, her hopes and dreams.  She wants your encouragement, reassurance and your praise but no longer asks you any questions about how YOU are or what is happening in YOUR life.  She is so absorbed in her new project that there isn’t even room in the conversation for anything frivolous, or fun, let alone time for you to talk about what’s going on.

Time to take a step back

And you get on with it because you are a good friend but then, you start getting frustrated by this one dimensional relationship and frustration turns to resentment.  You question yourself.  Am I actually a good friend?  Should I be more supportive? At the same time, you feel annoyed and angry.  Why is she never asking about me? Why is it always about her?  You feel hurt and frustrated.  It is time to take a step back to admit that this friendship has sadly become a one-sided friendship and think about the way to deal with it whilst limiting the usual drama attached to female friendships.

Feeling left out?

Acknowledge your feelings

You may not be 8 years old anymore but you are still human so it is completely normal to be upset or angry when a person who you thought was a close friend and a confident has distanced herself from you.  If you think that as a grown-up, you should ignore these feelings then think again.  You are wrong.

Just acknowledge how you are feeling.  It does not mean that you have to pick up the phone to tell everyone all your rage and frustration.  Refrain from this.  It simply means that you need to identify your feelings when you think about the lack of reciprocity in your one-sided friendship.

Avoid public drama

Instead of waiting for the point of no return when you might burst your anger bubble at the most inappropriate time, it is best to take some distance to reflect.  Ignoring your feelings and carry on as usual is definitely not advisable.  It will not end up well.  You will start to become resentful.  There will be a point when you are at some dinner/drinks/celebrations with your friend and like in some embarrassingly stupid comedy, you will start being blatantly sarcastic at best, extremely unpleasant at worst towards her.  You are likely to face total confusion from your friend who will certainly not understand where this is coming from.  You may also make an embarassment of yourself in front of your circle of friends or acquaintances.  Never a good idea.

Is it me or I am jealous?

Time to be honest with yourself.  Is it the fact that your friendship has become one-sided which is bothering you or are you are simply jealous of your friend because she has a new project, new friends, new ambitions and you are not part of it?  Do you feel left behind and uninteresting because your friend is being successful and get more attention than you?  You need to address this question with blunt honesty.  You don’t have to tell anyone.  Just yourself.  Most of the time, it may be a bit of both but if you admit (to yourself) that you are feeling down and left out because of your friend’s success, well it is time to work on your self esteem.  If, on balance, you are truly upset by the lack of reciprocity, then, you can start reflecting on your relationship.

Reflect and ask yourself the right questions

So yes, it is now time to reflect and ask yourself the right questions.  How important is your relationship? How long have you known her?  Since when has your friendship become one-sided?  What is so special about her?  Like any relationships, friendships evolve and like waves, friendships come and go.  Don’t be too negative.  Your friend was here for you at important times so cherish these memories.  Even if your bond is not as strong as it used to be, it does not mean that it is broken.  Take your time to think about what you expect from your friendship and what is currently missing.  In a one-sided friendship, there is obviously a lack of reciprocity but you need to identify to what extent it is an issue.

Time to talk

Once you are the right frame of mind (i.e. you have acknowledged your feelings and you know what you miss and why you miss it), you are ready to talk to your friend.  A few things to remember before you do so:

• Arrange for a meeting with your friend.  Nothing too formal. Just the two of you somewhere you both like.
• No need for the “We need to talk” message.
• Make sure that she will not have to rush after 10 minutes.
• Don’t start the conversation with your issues.  Ask about how things are going for her.  Try to be receptive to what she says in order to create a relaxed atmosphere.
• When you talk about the way you feel, avoid any accusations or “you did this/you did that”
• Talk about how you feel but try to be clear and concise and avoid being overwhelmed by your emotions.
• Try to be constructive.
• Let her talk.  She is allowed to have feelings too!

I know this is easier said than done but if you try to keep it in mind, it will make the discussion goes more smoothly .

Keep it private

It may be tempting to talk about it with your circle of common friends.  However, it is unlikely that you will receive good advice and you may end up being the latest gossip.  There is also a risk that your friend gets wind of your grief and criticisms with all the distortions that gossip brings.  If you really need to talk to someone, talk to a person that you can trust and/or who does not know your friend (maybe the person you talk to when you are having a bad day).  That way, he/she can be objective.  There is also no chance that he/she will spread any rumours.

Be patient

Your friend may realise she misses you too and starts making effort straight away.  It may also take more time for her to understand that you are unhappy about the way things are between you and her.  Be patient.  Give her time and don’t start pestering her.

Time to let go

Time to walk

Sometimes, things cannot be mended and it is time to let go in particular, if your friendship has remained one-sided for a long time.  It doesn’t mean that you need to explicitly “break up” with her.  It means that you are distancing yourself for good.  You remain civil and polite but you no longer share intimate things with her and she will not be part of your close circle anymore.  Again, try not to be bitter or hold a grudge.  Just cherish the moments you spent together.  And who knows, in a few years time, your paths may cross again and you may rekindle your friendship.  I can say this with confidence because it happened to me.